God Rides In The Car With Me

After that last rant, I've been hesitant to write...there's only so much drama which should be published in one week!

I have come to the point where I feel like I am accepting that I don't have any control over this situation and I am starting to be more hands off. I am accepting. But I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am accepting with JOY. I am constantly in a state of pleading with God to be on our side, to help us do what is best for the kids, to work in my husband's ex's life. Yes, I'm even praying for her....

For the last week our lives have been calm. There has been no discussion between my husband and his ex about coming to a solution for handling my step-son. There has been no handwriting on the wall, and there has been no bolt of lightening in which God speaks and says "this is what you should do and I guarantee that things will go the way you want them to". It is calm. Not the kind of calm that makes you want to go to sleep and relax, or that makes you feel comforted. Ours is that frightening calm that comes before the other shoe drops, or that on-edge feeling you get when it is all quiet but you see the storm clouds moving in.

I keep commenting to my husband that her silence scares me more than her cussing, angry attempts at communication. When she comes to pick up the kids her countenance is dark, she won't smile or respond to greetings, and she won't speak to me or my husband. She acts like someone who is either terribly pissed off or who feels guilty about what they are about to do and for one of those two reasons, she won't look us in the eye. My husband seems oblivious to this - perhaps because this is part of the reason they ended up divorced - this inability to have productive communication. He is not surprised, and not terribly bothered by this impasse. I, on the other hand, get a knot in my stomach whenever the situation crosses my mind, and I worry before I go to sleep at night that she is going to do something that will be detrimental to the kids and my husband. I just wish that everyone would sit down, free of emotion, and make logical, reasonable decisions about the kids.

I do a lot of my thinking in the car. I am the mom taxi in the mornings, and it seems like I am always driving somewhere, and that is my quiet time to mull over things when there is no one but God to discuss it with. I was driving in my car yesterday and I heard a song on the radio which I have heard tons of times. But I never listened to the words - and for some reason I did listen then and I realized in that moment of listening that it wasn't some dude singing, it was God speaking to me with words of comfort, understanding, and strength. Somewhere, when this song was written, God knew that I would need to hear it that day, at that very minute when I would be in the car. I have to share it with you...hope this inspires you like it does me.

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

I don't like this storm any more than I did before. But I know that I can rest assured that whatever this storm brings, that God is in control. And maybe tomorrow I can start accepting this situation with praise and joy. God is taking me by baby steps. First I had to accept the situation. Now I have to accept it with joy.