It's All In The Jeans

Frustrated is the way I would describe most stepmoms I know. It is the unfortunate feeling we live with when a situation which affects our daily life is completely out of our control. I don't think I'm going out on a limb to say that most women like to have a say in what goes on in their home, what their children wear, their children's grooming habits, where their kids go after dark, and what they do with the clothes you buy them. But for most of us that need for control is nothing but a happy fantasy.

I am in my 3rd year of official stepmotherhood. With each passing year, my responsibilities and duties with my husband's two kids increase. That is okay. I am his helpmate and part of my job as a good wife is to be a good mother to his children during the 54.6 - 59.5% of each week they spend with us. The custody arrangement is supposed to be a 50/50 split between both parents, but we take on a lot more responsibility. We feed them 13 of their 21 meals per week, buy most of their clothes, pay their health insurance, and generally handle more than our fair share. That is okay too. When the kids aren't with us my husband pines for them, and when Daddy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, so everyone is happiest when we are all together, so the more time we get with the kids, the better. And, at those times when we have 3 or 4 whole days in a row together, and before my step-son starts asking when he is going back to his mom's house, I can pretend that we are a normal family, that I am not raising someone else's kids, and that everything is coming up roses.

There is just one fly in the overall ointment of blended family bliss that keeps bugging me year after year. This question is one that perturbs me and my bank account every year, that vexes me because it seems to signify the source of all my frustrations. I just need to know, what happens to their jeans?

To give you a little background, every year I take off a day of work before school starts and the kids and I buy fall clothes. I do this because I enjoy shopping with the kids, and also because if I don't buy them clothes, their mother won't, and they will look like poor orphans. And that will not happen on my watch. Jeans are a particular source of friction because both of the kids are hard to fit, and we have to buy more expensive jeans. But, every kid needs several pairs of jeans to wear to school and social functions, so we shop until we drop, but by the end of the day, we have some lovely pairs of jeans. Of course, they need alterations, so I will sit and hem their jeans by the light of the TV for the next few evenings, and finally, when I look in their closet, I am satisfied. They have nice jeans that fit them, that are flattering to them, and when they go to school, I can take a small measure of pride in the fact that they are dressed well. This happiness lasts about a week. Just long enough for them to wear their nice jeans to their mother's house, where it seems that my fashion sense and good taste cannot extend.

When the kids arrive at my house for me to take them to school on their mom's day, I note that they are neither one dressed in their lovely jeans, but wearing tattered, ill-fitting sweatpants, or even worse, shorts on a cold day. I gently suggest that they might want to wear their nice jeans home from their mother's house. And each day, with a sinking heart, I watch them show up in their old, worn-out clothes from their mother's house while the jeans they wore to her house seem to have disappeared. I ask the kids to check and bring the jeans back in a bag - but they can't find them. I ask their mother to look for them, but she either doesn't do it, or can't find the missing jeans. Then I start thinking I'm crazy...if the jeans aren't at her house, then they must be at our house and I go through all the closets and drawers and....they just aren't there. The clothes I worked so hard to buy for them and mend for them seem to have been eaten by an elusive jean monster. And I know that somewhere at the bottom of their mother's laundry bin, or trampled beneath the shoes in the bottom of their closets at her house lay the jeans. And , there is NOTHING I can do. I can't go dig through her home to find them, and at this point, I am ineffectual in motivating her or the kids to care about this.

It seems ironic that such a small issue as bluejeans is the catalyst for my frustration, but it makes me so angry, and I then I feel silly for being so upset over something so insignificant as clothing. So, this month, as the weather has gotten colder and the kids don't have any jeans to wear when we are scurrying around to get ready for work and school, I fight a battle of telling myself the truth, and thinking rationally about this situation each morning.

The fact is, by virtue of our peculiar status in life known as being a stepmother, we have many reasons to feel bitter, or to feel angry at the situation. Even though we are all in this situation by our own choosing, we still have to struggle with these feelings. I have realized that there are several truths that I must tell myself about these situations that make them a little easier to bear.

First, I have to realize that even though it may be small or silly, if it is upsetting to me, it is important. And it is not just important to me, it is important to my Heavenly Father. In Matthew 10: 29-31 Jesus says, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

The second truth I have to tell myself is that this is not my husband's fault. Sometimes I wonder, "how could he have married someone like that?" Sometimes I feel that he was stupid to have had children with a woman who is obviously such a poor mother and so self-centered. Sometimes - and this seems silly too - I am angry with him for this blended mess even though I knew full-well when I said "I do" that there would be constant challenges and struggles. But God's Word says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purposes."

And the greatest thing I can remember is that I am not just a stepmom because I fell in love with a guy that had kids from a previous marriage, or because that is the lot in life that I have been given. Rather, it is a holy calling to be the best example, the best influence, and the greatest picture of Christ to these kids. There is a reason that I am in their lives that far surpasses this small scope I can see.

So, today when I help the kids get dressed, I need to remember that those jeans were God's jeans, bought with God's money and that they were given freely as God has given His love to all of us freely. And, it would wound my pride to send the kids to school looking like poor orphan children, but is won't kill any of us. The mystery of the jeans may go on to be a great urban legend, and I will still continue my quest to find them, but I will let go of my angst and rest.