Out Of The Frying Pan...

There are times I think that I dare not complain about the little things...because when I do, a big thing crops up in its place. We've gone from the frying pan into the fire in our home this week. Hopefully my posts won't always be so long as this...but I've got a lot to get off my chest today...

Any unresolved issues between my husband and his ex notoriously return to bite us in the buttocks and it seems that in the time those issues are "laying low" that they feast on miracle grow because when they return, their ferocity and complexity are nearly more than I can handle. Perhaps the problems are really no bigger than before, but my disappointment certainly is because I long so much for us all to coexist in peace, make the choices that are best for the kids, and get along until they turn 18 when it will be up to the kids to deal with their mom. The longer we go without confrontation, the more my hopes soar like a helium balloon that finally, we have arrived at some formula for making this dysfunctional mess of a family work.

I thought we had arrived there this year. To give you a little background, my step-son is a handful. He is full of energy, very talkative, with a class-clown personality. Needless to say, he gets in trouble a lot at school for being disruptive, for wrestling with the other boys, and for not staying "on-task". My husband and I see this as normal for a boy of his age and maturity level. He has no problem learning, he just chooses to do other things which gets him in trouble. Unfortunately, his upbringing, and the parenting methods employed is a huge source of contention between my husband and his ex. My step-son's mother thinks he has psychological problems. Last year, against my husbands wishes, she decided he needed to go to a psychologist and get put on medicine for ADHD. The psychologist saw him 3 times and said that he didn't think he had ADHD and he wouldn't put him on medicine unless he evaluated him for a year and thought he needed medication after that. He also said that my step-son needed consistent discipline, that whatever my husband was doing with him in our home seemed to be working, and he didn't understand why my husband didn't share with his ex the things we did with him. Of course, my husband tries, but she is just not receptive, or disciplined enough herself to be consistent. I'm sure the psychologist had no clue what kind of a can of worms he was opening when he said that. Needless to say, he recommended family and parenting therapy for my husband and his ex to work through their communication techniques, and to work past some of their resentments that are always boiling right below the surface. My husband went, but his ex canceled after one session. So much for trying to work stuff out. However, it seemed like she had gotten nicer and easier to communicate with, and she even agreed to let the kids go to school in our district this year so that we could be more involved. (Always before, we had to get any school information through her, and she didn't ever tell us anything, so we were always in the dark.) In order to accommodate her, I offered to watch the kids for her before school on days she had to work and then take them to school on my way to work. My husband agreed to pick them up from school every day. After all, we are better equipped to handle things like that because there are two of us, and just one of her. It seemed like things were going great.

Fast forward to the first few weeks of school. Things still seemed to be going great. She even thanked me one day for being so good to her kids. You could have knocked me over. Of course, my step-son was getting into trouble at school, but we had a system of working on that at home. I thought, finally, we've figured out something that works.

Fast forward to last week, when my husband and his ex attended parent-teacher conference with my step-son's teacher. After the conference where his teacher (who just doesn't like him, and in my opinion is a very poor excuse of a teacher) told them all about how off-task, disruptive, and hands-on he is in class, my husband's ex drops a bombshell announcement. Now she wants to take my step-son to a neurologist because she is sure that if there is not something psychologically wrong with him, there must be something neurologically wrong, and he needs treatment! Of course my husband told her no. He asked her to go back to the psychologist and continue the course that was prescribed by the psychologist last year. She refused because she doesn't think that the psychologist is any good now. Of course he is not qualified, now that he has laid responsibility for at least part of my step-son's struggles at her door! She has made it clear that she thinks my step-son should be on medication to control his behavior. Now, it seems like she is going to exhaust every option until she finds a doctor who will agree to medicate him. When my husband said that they should go back to the psychologist instead of taking him to a neurologist, she started suggesting that in a court of law his refusal to take my step-son for neurological testing, even though this has not been recommended by his pediatrician or his psychologist, would be considered as neglect. Now, she periodically sends him emails about how she is going to go to "child services" and have them make him agree to test my step-son.

In the meantime, I am on the sidelines of this argument, feeling completely helpless and angry that his mother, who spends less time with him each week than I do, can disrupt our lives so easily. I am angry because I see my step-son as an amazing little guy with talents and potential that only needs to be unlocked by adults who nurture and work with him. I am angry that she has this treasure of a child and the very things in him that are difficult now, if molded and trained, will be what make him successful as a man. I am angry that she has such a wonderful child and persists in her insistence that he has a problem. I am angry that she has a problem with discipline and communication, and has been told by a professional that she has this problem and still she wants to blame this on a poor kid - her own son! And, on some level, I am angry that God lets this issue keep coming back!

The whole ADHD/ADD issue is a personal soapbox for me. I feel like our society medicates in place of parenting because now there are so many parents who CAN'T parent. Even if there is no permanent side-effects for a child on medication to modify their behavior, it is not fair that they have to be medicated when in many cases, if their parent(s) just took the time to work with them and positively discipline them, they would develop fine without medication. It burns me up that children are made to think there is something wrong with them, when the problem is with the way we try to educate them, and with parents who work to provide kids with nice material goods while depriving of what they need the most - attention and TIME from their parents. It makes me upset that children are taught to pop a pill instead of take personal responsibility for their actions. I'm not saying that there are never children who need medication to help them along, but I just have a hard time believing that so many do.

So, I wonder WHY, when I feel so strongly about this issue, why does this have to be OUR issue? Especially when the care and treatment of my step-son is a decision that has to be made between my husband his ex, and I don't get a vote?

And this issue, like all my many other issues, when paired down to the most foundational level is that I am angry and I am upset because I am not in control of this situation. I think I know what is best for my step-son, I think I know what is best for other people's kids, and I want to be able to impose my wishes on this situation. And then it dawned on me that being right is not always being right where God want me. I have always thought I was in my step-kids lives to save them, to fill the void left by their mother who is too self-absorbed to choose what is best for them. Even though I would love to be that kind of heroine, that is not my job here. There are things I can do, and they are not what I would choose to do, but I believe that if I do them, God will be glorified, and my husband will be able to do what he feels is right for his son.

First, I have to realize that I don't understand how God works. Isaiah 55:8&9 says, "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways." declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." Because I don't understand what He is doing, and I don't have His eagle-eye view of the events of our lives, I have to step back and quit trying to direct these events. My husband is God's child, and my step-son is God's child, and God will work in their lives, and allow what is His best plan....if I let him.

Second, I need to be their prayer-warrior. In this day and time we live in, our children and our husbands need our prayers more than ever. We have God's promise that our prayers will work. In James 5:16 it says, The prayer of a righteous man (or woman) is powerful and effective. It doesn't say it might be effective, that there is a chance it could be powerful, it says that our prayers are powerful and effective! When I get angry about these events beyond my control, that needs to be my trigger to run to my Heavenly Father and talk to Him about it. He doesn't give a time frame or a deadline in which he will answer and work, but He does say that He will! There is no better guarantee with any other method of dealing with my family's problems.

Third, I must realize that this is not a battle against my husband's ex. It seems like we are fighting with her, or against her all the time. In reality, this is a battle against the Evil One who wants to keep people from having a life-changing relationship with God, who wants to destroy families, and wants to clip the wings of children before they ever get off the ground. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood...but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12) In fact, the greatest battle here might be for my husband's ex. She doesn't have a relationship with our Savior, and so how can we expect anything good, noble, or wise from her if she isn't going to the source of all goodness and wisdom? As much as I hate to say it, I will be victorious in this battle when I begin to see that there is nothing the Evil One would like so much as to keep her from coming to a real and saving relationship with Jesus. So, now, I have to be HER prayer warrior too! And she doesn't even want one!

I have faith that if I do these things that are already within my power to control, that God will work out the rest. I don't know how, and there may be dark times, and fearful times, and I may even have to watch my precious step-son go through things that are painful for him. But, God has the plan, and I just have to be his instrument on this earth and be faithful to that which He has called me to do. I am not responsible for the results, God is.