Yesterday morning was the perfect spring morning. This is the morning that I have fantasized about every winter morning while I was searching for the missing glove or stocking cap for the kids, or scraping the ice off the windshield, or searching for the rescue inhaler because the cold air triggered my step-son's asthma when we were running that daily marathon of trying to get to work and school. And always, I have had the image in my mind of this - a rain-washed morning that smelled of fresh grass and ozone with birds singing outside my window. In my fantasy, I hop out of bed, slide into my fluffy slippers, and go outside to answer the call of the singing birds, drinking the best cup of french press coffee ever (with real cream) while I sit on my expansive back deck and revel in the beauty of this world I get to call home.
(Now I need a sound effect like a needle being dragged over an old record...)
In my reality I actually hit the snooze button when the alarm goes off at 5:45 a.m. because I've just gotten to a good part of my dream that was so rudely interrupted when my husband was up at 5 a.m. and needed me to get up and help him find some clean socks which were buried at a depth of 2 feet in the clean-but-needs-to-be-put-away pile of laundry on the couch. Around 6 I actually wake up and note that it is a gorgeous morning, that the birds are singing, and....oh no! I've got to get in the shower right now or I will make my step-daughter late for her 45 minute primping session in the bathroom and that will make us all late for the rest of the day! And then with that rude awakening ensues a whirling dervish of activity including but not limited to a lightening fast shower, waking up one kid, making a health breakfast, digging through the laundry pile for my favorite pants, digging through the dirty clothes for my favorite pants, waking up another kid, finally looking in the closet and finding my favorite pants right where they belong, a crisis because my step-son has outgrown his pants over the weekend, packing the lunches, not finding my other shoe (and I do have to wear this pair because they make my outfit "pop"), watching my step-son trying to skip his healthy breakfast by eating it one molecule at a time, watching the weather, doing something with this wild head of hair, and finally we head out the door, only 10 minutes behind schedule.........Only to realize that my step-son forgot his backpack, AGAIN, so we run back in the house, I grab the cup of coffee I forgot on the first trip out the door, jump in the car, speed off to drop the kiddos at school and then I head to work and ........(big sigh) just getting out the door has worn me out.
Of course, there are a few other small details such as the fact that my not-so-expansive deck still needs to be built, I don't have a french press for my coffee, can't drink real cream because it will make me fat, and my fuzzy slippers are really just ratty slippers - all of which might prevent my perfect fantasy morning from coming true.
So much of the time I feel like my life is a train pulling out of the station and I'm racing along beside it, heaving my luggage on and trying to jump on at the last second. I worry that my kids, my work, my school, paying the bills, working at church, being a wife, and all the other good things I try to cram into life are robbing me of the ability to just enjoy the little things.
I'm sure that there is some technical name for my condition (like workaholic....over-achiever....) but I think of it as Martha-syndrome. Martha was so busy getting everything just right that she didn't have time for our Lord when He was visiting in her own home. In how many ways does my Lord visit me each day through the beautiful creation outside my window, or in the kids' laughter, or in the small pleasures like a cup of coffee in the morning, and how many times do I rush right by and fail to even recognize these as tokens of His constant presence and love for me?
My resolve for this week is to actually stop and enjoy the mornings, to take time to drink that cup of cheap coffee on my crumbling back step while I listen to the birds singing and watch the sun come up, or to smell the beautiful little wild flowers by the back fence. Everything doesn't have to be perfect because I'm not perfect. But God is perfect, and He gives me good and perfect gifts every day, if I will just pay attention. Let me not squander God's little gifts by never taking time for them.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Thursday, November 12, 2009
God Rides In The Car With Me
After that last rant, I've been hesitant to write...there's only so much drama which should be published in one week!
I have come to the point where I feel like I am accepting that I don't have any control over this situation and I am starting to be more hands off. I am accepting. But I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am accepting with JOY. I am constantly in a state of pleading with God to be on our side, to help us do what is best for the kids, to work in my husband's ex's life. Yes, I'm even praying for her....
For the last week our lives have been calm. There has been no discussion between my husband and his ex about coming to a solution for handling my step-son. There has been no handwriting on the wall, and there has been no bolt of lightening in which God speaks and says "this is what you should do and I guarantee that things will go the way you want them to". It is calm. Not the kind of calm that makes you want to go to sleep and relax, or that makes you feel comforted. Ours is that frightening calm that comes before the other shoe drops, or that on-edge feeling you get when it is all quiet but you see the storm clouds moving in.
I keep commenting to my husband that her silence scares me more than her cussing, angry attempts at communication. When she comes to pick up the kids her countenance is dark, she won't smile or respond to greetings, and she won't speak to me or my husband. She acts like someone who is either terribly pissed off or who feels guilty about what they are about to do and for one of those two reasons, she won't look us in the eye. My husband seems oblivious to this - perhaps because this is part of the reason they ended up divorced - this inability to have productive communication. He is not surprised, and not terribly bothered by this impasse. I, on the other hand, get a knot in my stomach whenever the situation crosses my mind, and I worry before I go to sleep at night that she is going to do something that will be detrimental to the kids and my husband. I just wish that everyone would sit down, free of emotion, and make logical, reasonable decisions about the kids.
I do a lot of my thinking in the car. I am the mom taxi in the mornings, and it seems like I am always driving somewhere, and that is my quiet time to mull over things when there is no one but God to discuss it with. I was driving in my car yesterday and I heard a song on the radio which I have heard tons of times. But I never listened to the words - and for some reason I did listen then and I realized in that moment of listening that it wasn't some dude singing, it was God speaking to me with words of comfort, understanding, and strength. Somewhere, when this song was written, God knew that I would need to hear it that day, at that very minute when I would be in the car. I have to share it with you...hope this inspires you like it does me.
Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I don't like this storm any more than I did before. But I know that I can rest assured that whatever this storm brings, that God is in control. And maybe tomorrow I can start accepting this situation with praise and joy. God is taking me by baby steps. First I had to accept the situation. Now I have to accept it with joy.
I have come to the point where I feel like I am accepting that I don't have any control over this situation and I am starting to be more hands off. I am accepting. But I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am accepting with JOY. I am constantly in a state of pleading with God to be on our side, to help us do what is best for the kids, to work in my husband's ex's life. Yes, I'm even praying for her....
For the last week our lives have been calm. There has been no discussion between my husband and his ex about coming to a solution for handling my step-son. There has been no handwriting on the wall, and there has been no bolt of lightening in which God speaks and says "this is what you should do and I guarantee that things will go the way you want them to". It is calm. Not the kind of calm that makes you want to go to sleep and relax, or that makes you feel comforted. Ours is that frightening calm that comes before the other shoe drops, or that on-edge feeling you get when it is all quiet but you see the storm clouds moving in.
I keep commenting to my husband that her silence scares me more than her cussing, angry attempts at communication. When she comes to pick up the kids her countenance is dark, she won't smile or respond to greetings, and she won't speak to me or my husband. She acts like someone who is either terribly pissed off or who feels guilty about what they are about to do and for one of those two reasons, she won't look us in the eye. My husband seems oblivious to this - perhaps because this is part of the reason they ended up divorced - this inability to have productive communication. He is not surprised, and not terribly bothered by this impasse. I, on the other hand, get a knot in my stomach whenever the situation crosses my mind, and I worry before I go to sleep at night that she is going to do something that will be detrimental to the kids and my husband. I just wish that everyone would sit down, free of emotion, and make logical, reasonable decisions about the kids.
I do a lot of my thinking in the car. I am the mom taxi in the mornings, and it seems like I am always driving somewhere, and that is my quiet time to mull over things when there is no one but God to discuss it with. I was driving in my car yesterday and I heard a song on the radio which I have heard tons of times. But I never listened to the words - and for some reason I did listen then and I realized in that moment of listening that it wasn't some dude singing, it was God speaking to me with words of comfort, understanding, and strength. Somewhere, when this song was written, God knew that I would need to hear it that day, at that very minute when I would be in the car. I have to share it with you...hope this inspires you like it does me.
Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I don't like this storm any more than I did before. But I know that I can rest assured that whatever this storm brings, that God is in control. And maybe tomorrow I can start accepting this situation with praise and joy. God is taking me by baby steps. First I had to accept the situation. Now I have to accept it with joy.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Out Of The Frying Pan...
There are times I think that I dare not complain about the little things...because when I do, a big thing crops up in its place. We've gone from the frying pan into the fire in our home this week. Hopefully my posts won't always be so long as this...but I've got a lot to get off my chest today...
Any unresolved issues between my husband and his ex notoriously return to bite us in the buttocks and it seems that in the time those issues are "laying low" that they feast on miracle grow because when they return, their ferocity and complexity are nearly more than I can handle. Perhaps the problems are really no bigger than before, but my disappointment certainly is because I long so much for us all to coexist in peace, make the choices that are best for the kids, and get along until they turn 18 when it will be up to the kids to deal with their mom. The longer we go without confrontation, the more my hopes soar like a helium balloon that finally, we have arrived at some formula for making this dysfunctional mess of a family work.
I thought we had arrived there this year. To give you a little background, my step-son is a handful. He is full of energy, very talkative, with a class-clown personality. Needless to say, he gets in trouble a lot at school for being disruptive, for wrestling with the other boys, and for not staying "on-task". My husband and I see this as normal for a boy of his age and maturity level. He has no problem learning, he just chooses to do other things which gets him in trouble. Unfortunately, his upbringing, and the parenting methods employed is a huge source of contention between my husband and his ex. My step-son's mother thinks he has psychological problems. Last year, against my husbands wishes, she decided he needed to go to a psychologist and get put on medicine for ADHD. The psychologist saw him 3 times and said that he didn't think he had ADHD and he wouldn't put him on medicine unless he evaluated him for a year and thought he needed medication after that. He also said that my step-son needed consistent discipline, that whatever my husband was doing with him in our home seemed to be working, and he didn't understand why my husband didn't share with his ex the things we did with him. Of course, my husband tries, but she is just not receptive, or disciplined enough herself to be consistent. I'm sure the psychologist had no clue what kind of a can of worms he was opening when he said that. Needless to say, he recommended family and parenting therapy for my husband and his ex to work through their communication techniques, and to work past some of their resentments that are always boiling right below the surface. My husband went, but his ex canceled after one session. So much for trying to work stuff out. However, it seemed like she had gotten nicer and easier to communicate with, and she even agreed to let the kids go to school in our district this year so that we could be more involved. (Always before, we had to get any school information through her, and she didn't ever tell us anything, so we were always in the dark.) In order to accommodate her, I offered to watch the kids for her before school on days she had to work and then take them to school on my way to work. My husband agreed to pick them up from school every day. After all, we are better equipped to handle things like that because there are two of us, and just one of her. It seemed like things were going great.
Fast forward to the first few weeks of school. Things still seemed to be going great. She even thanked me one day for being so good to her kids. You could have knocked me over. Of course, my step-son was getting into trouble at school, but we had a system of working on that at home. I thought, finally, we've figured out something that works.
Fast forward to last week, when my husband and his ex attended parent-teacher conference with my step-son's teacher. After the conference where his teacher (who just doesn't like him, and in my opinion is a very poor excuse of a teacher) told them all about how off-task, disruptive, and hands-on he is in class, my husband's ex drops a bombshell announcement. Now she wants to take my step-son to a neurologist because she is sure that if there is not something psychologically wrong with him, there must be something neurologically wrong, and he needs treatment! Of course my husband told her no. He asked her to go back to the psychologist and continue the course that was prescribed by the psychologist last year. She refused because she doesn't think that the psychologist is any good now. Of course he is not qualified, now that he has laid responsibility for at least part of my step-son's struggles at her door! She has made it clear that she thinks my step-son should be on medication to control his behavior. Now, it seems like she is going to exhaust every option until she finds a doctor who will agree to medicate him. When my husband said that they should go back to the psychologist instead of taking him to a neurologist, she started suggesting that in a court of law his refusal to take my step-son for neurological testing, even though this has not been recommended by his pediatrician or his psychologist, would be considered as neglect. Now, she periodically sends him emails about how she is going to go to "child services" and have them make him agree to test my step-son.
In the meantime, I am on the sidelines of this argument, feeling completely helpless and angry that his mother, who spends less time with him each week than I do, can disrupt our lives so easily. I am angry because I see my step-son as an amazing little guy with talents and potential that only needs to be unlocked by adults who nurture and work with him. I am angry that she has this treasure of a child and the very things in him that are difficult now, if molded and trained, will be what make him successful as a man. I am angry that she has such a wonderful child and persists in her insistence that he has a problem. I am angry that she has a problem with discipline and communication, and has been told by a professional that she has this problem and still she wants to blame this on a poor kid - her own son! And, on some level, I am angry that God lets this issue keep coming back!
The whole ADHD/ADD issue is a personal soapbox for me. I feel like our society medicates in place of parenting because now there are so many parents who CAN'T parent. Even if there is no permanent side-effects for a child on medication to modify their behavior, it is not fair that they have to be medicated when in many cases, if their parent(s) just took the time to work with them and positively discipline them, they would develop fine without medication. It burns me up that children are made to think there is something wrong with them, when the problem is with the way we try to educate them, and with parents who work to provide kids with nice material goods while depriving of what they need the most - attention and TIME from their parents. It makes me upset that children are taught to pop a pill instead of take personal responsibility for their actions. I'm not saying that there are never children who need medication to help them along, but I just have a hard time believing that so many do.
So, I wonder WHY, when I feel so strongly about this issue, why does this have to be OUR issue? Especially when the care and treatment of my step-son is a decision that has to be made between my husband his ex, and I don't get a vote?
And this issue, like all my many other issues, when paired down to the most foundational level is that I am angry and I am upset because I am not in control of this situation. I think I know what is best for my step-son, I think I know what is best for other people's kids, and I want to be able to impose my wishes on this situation. And then it dawned on me that being right is not always being right where God want me. I have always thought I was in my step-kids lives to save them, to fill the void left by their mother who is too self-absorbed to choose what is best for them. Even though I would love to be that kind of heroine, that is not my job here. There are things I can do, and they are not what I would choose to do, but I believe that if I do them, God will be glorified, and my husband will be able to do what he feels is right for his son.
First, I have to realize that I don't understand how God works. Isaiah 55:8&9 says, "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways." declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." Because I don't understand what He is doing, and I don't have His eagle-eye view of the events of our lives, I have to step back and quit trying to direct these events. My husband is God's child, and my step-son is God's child, and God will work in their lives, and allow what is His best plan....if I let him.
Second, I need to be their prayer-warrior. In this day and time we live in, our children and our husbands need our prayers more than ever. We have God's promise that our prayers will work. In James 5:16 it says, The prayer of a righteous man (or woman) is powerful and effective. It doesn't say it might be effective, that there is a chance it could be powerful, it says that our prayers are powerful and effective! When I get angry about these events beyond my control, that needs to be my trigger to run to my Heavenly Father and talk to Him about it. He doesn't give a time frame or a deadline in which he will answer and work, but He does say that He will! There is no better guarantee with any other method of dealing with my family's problems.
Third, I must realize that this is not a battle against my husband's ex. It seems like we are fighting with her, or against her all the time. In reality, this is a battle against the Evil One who wants to keep people from having a life-changing relationship with God, who wants to destroy families, and wants to clip the wings of children before they ever get off the ground. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood...but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12) In fact, the greatest battle here might be for my husband's ex. She doesn't have a relationship with our Savior, and so how can we expect anything good, noble, or wise from her if she isn't going to the source of all goodness and wisdom? As much as I hate to say it, I will be victorious in this battle when I begin to see that there is nothing the Evil One would like so much as to keep her from coming to a real and saving relationship with Jesus. So, now, I have to be HER prayer warrior too! And she doesn't even want one!
I have faith that if I do these things that are already within my power to control, that God will work out the rest. I don't know how, and there may be dark times, and fearful times, and I may even have to watch my precious step-son go through things that are painful for him. But, God has the plan, and I just have to be his instrument on this earth and be faithful to that which He has called me to do. I am not responsible for the results, God is.
Any unresolved issues between my husband and his ex notoriously return to bite us in the buttocks and it seems that in the time those issues are "laying low" that they feast on miracle grow because when they return, their ferocity and complexity are nearly more than I can handle. Perhaps the problems are really no bigger than before, but my disappointment certainly is because I long so much for us all to coexist in peace, make the choices that are best for the kids, and get along until they turn 18 when it will be up to the kids to deal with their mom. The longer we go without confrontation, the more my hopes soar like a helium balloon that finally, we have arrived at some formula for making this dysfunctional mess of a family work.
I thought we had arrived there this year. To give you a little background, my step-son is a handful. He is full of energy, very talkative, with a class-clown personality. Needless to say, he gets in trouble a lot at school for being disruptive, for wrestling with the other boys, and for not staying "on-task". My husband and I see this as normal for a boy of his age and maturity level. He has no problem learning, he just chooses to do other things which gets him in trouble. Unfortunately, his upbringing, and the parenting methods employed is a huge source of contention between my husband and his ex. My step-son's mother thinks he has psychological problems. Last year, against my husbands wishes, she decided he needed to go to a psychologist and get put on medicine for ADHD. The psychologist saw him 3 times and said that he didn't think he had ADHD and he wouldn't put him on medicine unless he evaluated him for a year and thought he needed medication after that. He also said that my step-son needed consistent discipline, that whatever my husband was doing with him in our home seemed to be working, and he didn't understand why my husband didn't share with his ex the things we did with him. Of course, my husband tries, but she is just not receptive, or disciplined enough herself to be consistent. I'm sure the psychologist had no clue what kind of a can of worms he was opening when he said that. Needless to say, he recommended family and parenting therapy for my husband and his ex to work through their communication techniques, and to work past some of their resentments that are always boiling right below the surface. My husband went, but his ex canceled after one session. So much for trying to work stuff out. However, it seemed like she had gotten nicer and easier to communicate with, and she even agreed to let the kids go to school in our district this year so that we could be more involved. (Always before, we had to get any school information through her, and she didn't ever tell us anything, so we were always in the dark.) In order to accommodate her, I offered to watch the kids for her before school on days she had to work and then take them to school on my way to work. My husband agreed to pick them up from school every day. After all, we are better equipped to handle things like that because there are two of us, and just one of her. It seemed like things were going great.
Fast forward to the first few weeks of school. Things still seemed to be going great. She even thanked me one day for being so good to her kids. You could have knocked me over. Of course, my step-son was getting into trouble at school, but we had a system of working on that at home. I thought, finally, we've figured out something that works.
Fast forward to last week, when my husband and his ex attended parent-teacher conference with my step-son's teacher. After the conference where his teacher (who just doesn't like him, and in my opinion is a very poor excuse of a teacher) told them all about how off-task, disruptive, and hands-on he is in class, my husband's ex drops a bombshell announcement. Now she wants to take my step-son to a neurologist because she is sure that if there is not something psychologically wrong with him, there must be something neurologically wrong, and he needs treatment! Of course my husband told her no. He asked her to go back to the psychologist and continue the course that was prescribed by the psychologist last year. She refused because she doesn't think that the psychologist is any good now. Of course he is not qualified, now that he has laid responsibility for at least part of my step-son's struggles at her door! She has made it clear that she thinks my step-son should be on medication to control his behavior. Now, it seems like she is going to exhaust every option until she finds a doctor who will agree to medicate him. When my husband said that they should go back to the psychologist instead of taking him to a neurologist, she started suggesting that in a court of law his refusal to take my step-son for neurological testing, even though this has not been recommended by his pediatrician or his psychologist, would be considered as neglect. Now, she periodically sends him emails about how she is going to go to "child services" and have them make him agree to test my step-son.
In the meantime, I am on the sidelines of this argument, feeling completely helpless and angry that his mother, who spends less time with him each week than I do, can disrupt our lives so easily. I am angry because I see my step-son as an amazing little guy with talents and potential that only needs to be unlocked by adults who nurture and work with him. I am angry that she has this treasure of a child and the very things in him that are difficult now, if molded and trained, will be what make him successful as a man. I am angry that she has such a wonderful child and persists in her insistence that he has a problem. I am angry that she has a problem with discipline and communication, and has been told by a professional that she has this problem and still she wants to blame this on a poor kid - her own son! And, on some level, I am angry that God lets this issue keep coming back!
The whole ADHD/ADD issue is a personal soapbox for me. I feel like our society medicates in place of parenting because now there are so many parents who CAN'T parent. Even if there is no permanent side-effects for a child on medication to modify their behavior, it is not fair that they have to be medicated when in many cases, if their parent(s) just took the time to work with them and positively discipline them, they would develop fine without medication. It burns me up that children are made to think there is something wrong with them, when the problem is with the way we try to educate them, and with parents who work to provide kids with nice material goods while depriving of what they need the most - attention and TIME from their parents. It makes me upset that children are taught to pop a pill instead of take personal responsibility for their actions. I'm not saying that there are never children who need medication to help them along, but I just have a hard time believing that so many do.
So, I wonder WHY, when I feel so strongly about this issue, why does this have to be OUR issue? Especially when the care and treatment of my step-son is a decision that has to be made between my husband his ex, and I don't get a vote?
And this issue, like all my many other issues, when paired down to the most foundational level is that I am angry and I am upset because I am not in control of this situation. I think I know what is best for my step-son, I think I know what is best for other people's kids, and I want to be able to impose my wishes on this situation. And then it dawned on me that being right is not always being right where God want me. I have always thought I was in my step-kids lives to save them, to fill the void left by their mother who is too self-absorbed to choose what is best for them. Even though I would love to be that kind of heroine, that is not my job here. There are things I can do, and they are not what I would choose to do, but I believe that if I do them, God will be glorified, and my husband will be able to do what he feels is right for his son.
First, I have to realize that I don't understand how God works. Isaiah 55:8&9 says, "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways." declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." Because I don't understand what He is doing, and I don't have His eagle-eye view of the events of our lives, I have to step back and quit trying to direct these events. My husband is God's child, and my step-son is God's child, and God will work in their lives, and allow what is His best plan....if I let him.
Second, I need to be their prayer-warrior. In this day and time we live in, our children and our husbands need our prayers more than ever. We have God's promise that our prayers will work. In James 5:16 it says, The prayer of a righteous man (or woman) is powerful and effective. It doesn't say it might be effective, that there is a chance it could be powerful, it says that our prayers are powerful and effective! When I get angry about these events beyond my control, that needs to be my trigger to run to my Heavenly Father and talk to Him about it. He doesn't give a time frame or a deadline in which he will answer and work, but He does say that He will! There is no better guarantee with any other method of dealing with my family's problems.
Third, I must realize that this is not a battle against my husband's ex. It seems like we are fighting with her, or against her all the time. In reality, this is a battle against the Evil One who wants to keep people from having a life-changing relationship with God, who wants to destroy families, and wants to clip the wings of children before they ever get off the ground. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood...but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12) In fact, the greatest battle here might be for my husband's ex. She doesn't have a relationship with our Savior, and so how can we expect anything good, noble, or wise from her if she isn't going to the source of all goodness and wisdom? As much as I hate to say it, I will be victorious in this battle when I begin to see that there is nothing the Evil One would like so much as to keep her from coming to a real and saving relationship with Jesus. So, now, I have to be HER prayer warrior too! And she doesn't even want one!
I have faith that if I do these things that are already within my power to control, that God will work out the rest. I don't know how, and there may be dark times, and fearful times, and I may even have to watch my precious step-son go through things that are painful for him. But, God has the plan, and I just have to be his instrument on this earth and be faithful to that which He has called me to do. I am not responsible for the results, God is.
Friday, November 6, 2009
It's All In The Jeans
Frustrated is the way I would describe most stepmoms I know. It is the unfortunate feeling we live with when a situation which affects our daily life is completely out of our control. I don't think I'm going out on a limb to say that most women like to have a say in what goes on in their home, what their children wear, their children's grooming habits, where their kids go after dark, and what they do with the clothes you buy them. But for most of us that need for control is nothing but a happy fantasy.
I am in my 3rd year of official stepmotherhood. With each passing year, my responsibilities and duties with my husband's two kids increase. That is okay. I am his helpmate and part of my job as a good wife is to be a good mother to his children during the 54.6 - 59.5% of each week they spend with us. The custody arrangement is supposed to be a 50/50 split between both parents, but we take on a lot more responsibility. We feed them 13 of their 21 meals per week, buy most of their clothes, pay their health insurance, and generally handle more than our fair share. That is okay too. When the kids aren't with us my husband pines for them, and when Daddy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, so everyone is happiest when we are all together, so the more time we get with the kids, the better. And, at those times when we have 3 or 4 whole days in a row together, and before my step-son starts asking when he is going back to his mom's house, I can pretend that we are a normal family, that I am not raising someone else's kids, and that everything is coming up roses.
There is just one fly in the overall ointment of blended family bliss that keeps bugging me year after year. This question is one that perturbs me and my bank account every year, that vexes me because it seems to signify the source of all my frustrations. I just need to know, what happens to their jeans?
To give you a little background, every year I take off a day of work before school starts and the kids and I buy fall clothes. I do this because I enjoy shopping with the kids, and also because if I don't buy them clothes, their mother won't, and they will look like poor orphans. And that will not happen on my watch. Jeans are a particular source of friction because both of the kids are hard to fit, and we have to buy more expensive jeans. But, every kid needs several pairs of jeans to wear to school and social functions, so we shop until we drop, but by the end of the day, we have some lovely pairs of jeans. Of course, they need alterations, so I will sit and hem their jeans by the light of the TV for the next few evenings, and finally, when I look in their closet, I am satisfied. They have nice jeans that fit them, that are flattering to them, and when they go to school, I can take a small measure of pride in the fact that they are dressed well. This happiness lasts about a week. Just long enough for them to wear their nice jeans to their mother's house, where it seems that my fashion sense and good taste cannot extend.
When the kids arrive at my house for me to take them to school on their mom's day, I note that they are neither one dressed in their lovely jeans, but wearing tattered, ill-fitting sweatpants, or even worse, shorts on a cold day. I gently suggest that they might want to wear their nice jeans home from their mother's house. And each day, with a sinking heart, I watch them show up in their old, worn-out clothes from their mother's house while the jeans they wore to her house seem to have disappeared. I ask the kids to check and bring the jeans back in a bag - but they can't find them. I ask their mother to look for them, but she either doesn't do it, or can't find the missing jeans. Then I start thinking I'm crazy...if the jeans aren't at her house, then they must be at our house and I go through all the closets and drawers and....they just aren't there. The clothes I worked so hard to buy for them and mend for them seem to have been eaten by an elusive jean monster. And I know that somewhere at the bottom of their mother's laundry bin, or trampled beneath the shoes in the bottom of their closets at her house lay the jeans. And , there is NOTHING I can do. I can't go dig through her home to find them, and at this point, I am ineffectual in motivating her or the kids to care about this.
It seems ironic that such a small issue as bluejeans is the catalyst for my frustration, but it makes me so angry, and I then I feel silly for being so upset over something so insignificant as clothing. So, this month, as the weather has gotten colder and the kids don't have any jeans to wear when we are scurrying around to get ready for work and school, I fight a battle of telling myself the truth, and thinking rationally about this situation each morning.
The fact is, by virtue of our peculiar status in life known as being a stepmother, we have many reasons to feel bitter, or to feel angry at the situation. Even though we are all in this situation by our own choosing, we still have to struggle with these feelings. I have realized that there are several truths that I must tell myself about these situations that make them a little easier to bear.
First, I have to realize that even though it may be small or silly, if it is upsetting to me, it is important. And it is not just important to me, it is important to my Heavenly Father. In Matthew 10: 29-31 Jesus says, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
The second truth I have to tell myself is that this is not my husband's fault. Sometimes I wonder, "how could he have married someone like that?" Sometimes I feel that he was stupid to have had children with a woman who is obviously such a poor mother and so self-centered. Sometimes - and this seems silly too - I am angry with him for this blended mess even though I knew full-well when I said "I do" that there would be constant challenges and struggles. But God's Word says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purposes."
And the greatest thing I can remember is that I am not just a stepmom because I fell in love with a guy that had kids from a previous marriage, or because that is the lot in life that I have been given. Rather, it is a holy calling to be the best example, the best influence, and the greatest picture of Christ to these kids. There is a reason that I am in their lives that far surpasses this small scope I can see.
So, today when I help the kids get dressed, I need to remember that those jeans were God's jeans, bought with God's money and that they were given freely as God has given His love to all of us freely. And, it would wound my pride to send the kids to school looking like poor orphan children, but is won't kill any of us. The mystery of the jeans may go on to be a great urban legend, and I will still continue my quest to find them, but I will let go of my angst and rest.
I am in my 3rd year of official stepmotherhood. With each passing year, my responsibilities and duties with my husband's two kids increase. That is okay. I am his helpmate and part of my job as a good wife is to be a good mother to his children during the 54.6 - 59.5% of each week they spend with us. The custody arrangement is supposed to be a 50/50 split between both parents, but we take on a lot more responsibility. We feed them 13 of their 21 meals per week, buy most of their clothes, pay their health insurance, and generally handle more than our fair share. That is okay too. When the kids aren't with us my husband pines for them, and when Daddy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, so everyone is happiest when we are all together, so the more time we get with the kids, the better. And, at those times when we have 3 or 4 whole days in a row together, and before my step-son starts asking when he is going back to his mom's house, I can pretend that we are a normal family, that I am not raising someone else's kids, and that everything is coming up roses.
There is just one fly in the overall ointment of blended family bliss that keeps bugging me year after year. This question is one that perturbs me and my bank account every year, that vexes me because it seems to signify the source of all my frustrations. I just need to know, what happens to their jeans?
To give you a little background, every year I take off a day of work before school starts and the kids and I buy fall clothes. I do this because I enjoy shopping with the kids, and also because if I don't buy them clothes, their mother won't, and they will look like poor orphans. And that will not happen on my watch. Jeans are a particular source of friction because both of the kids are hard to fit, and we have to buy more expensive jeans. But, every kid needs several pairs of jeans to wear to school and social functions, so we shop until we drop, but by the end of the day, we have some lovely pairs of jeans. Of course, they need alterations, so I will sit and hem their jeans by the light of the TV for the next few evenings, and finally, when I look in their closet, I am satisfied. They have nice jeans that fit them, that are flattering to them, and when they go to school, I can take a small measure of pride in the fact that they are dressed well. This happiness lasts about a week. Just long enough for them to wear their nice jeans to their mother's house, where it seems that my fashion sense and good taste cannot extend.
When the kids arrive at my house for me to take them to school on their mom's day, I note that they are neither one dressed in their lovely jeans, but wearing tattered, ill-fitting sweatpants, or even worse, shorts on a cold day. I gently suggest that they might want to wear their nice jeans home from their mother's house. And each day, with a sinking heart, I watch them show up in their old, worn-out clothes from their mother's house while the jeans they wore to her house seem to have disappeared. I ask the kids to check and bring the jeans back in a bag - but they can't find them. I ask their mother to look for them, but she either doesn't do it, or can't find the missing jeans. Then I start thinking I'm crazy...if the jeans aren't at her house, then they must be at our house and I go through all the closets and drawers and....they just aren't there. The clothes I worked so hard to buy for them and mend for them seem to have been eaten by an elusive jean monster. And I know that somewhere at the bottom of their mother's laundry bin, or trampled beneath the shoes in the bottom of their closets at her house lay the jeans. And , there is NOTHING I can do. I can't go dig through her home to find them, and at this point, I am ineffectual in motivating her or the kids to care about this.
It seems ironic that such a small issue as bluejeans is the catalyst for my frustration, but it makes me so angry, and I then I feel silly for being so upset over something so insignificant as clothing. So, this month, as the weather has gotten colder and the kids don't have any jeans to wear when we are scurrying around to get ready for work and school, I fight a battle of telling myself the truth, and thinking rationally about this situation each morning.
The fact is, by virtue of our peculiar status in life known as being a stepmother, we have many reasons to feel bitter, or to feel angry at the situation. Even though we are all in this situation by our own choosing, we still have to struggle with these feelings. I have realized that there are several truths that I must tell myself about these situations that make them a little easier to bear.
First, I have to realize that even though it may be small or silly, if it is upsetting to me, it is important. And it is not just important to me, it is important to my Heavenly Father. In Matthew 10: 29-31 Jesus says, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
The second truth I have to tell myself is that this is not my husband's fault. Sometimes I wonder, "how could he have married someone like that?" Sometimes I feel that he was stupid to have had children with a woman who is obviously such a poor mother and so self-centered. Sometimes - and this seems silly too - I am angry with him for this blended mess even though I knew full-well when I said "I do" that there would be constant challenges and struggles. But God's Word says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purposes."
And the greatest thing I can remember is that I am not just a stepmom because I fell in love with a guy that had kids from a previous marriage, or because that is the lot in life that I have been given. Rather, it is a holy calling to be the best example, the best influence, and the greatest picture of Christ to these kids. There is a reason that I am in their lives that far surpasses this small scope I can see.
So, today when I help the kids get dressed, I need to remember that those jeans were God's jeans, bought with God's money and that they were given freely as God has given His love to all of us freely. And, it would wound my pride to send the kids to school looking like poor orphan children, but is won't kill any of us. The mystery of the jeans may go on to be a great urban legend, and I will still continue my quest to find them, but I will let go of my angst and rest.
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